I have written a lot about my crush over the last year, and Good News Everyone! If you've been following along, the crush has been officially conquered, the ick has been achieved0! Bad news is, for the first time in my life, the ick only worked on the intellectual level, and I still find him impossibly attractive. Now, I have been in a guilt spiral about this ever since. And while, reader, you may consider this normal and not something to be guilty over, for me, it's a first. But why would I feel guilty over something as normal as finding someone physically attractive?
It was only recently that the coin dropped for me. In my mind, I was committing thought crime. I was feeling this guilt before too, when it was a full-blown crush, but not as intense. The intellectual element hid the lead, and turned it more to anxiety. And that anxiety turned into extensive, moderately entertaining, blog posts. As it stands, I felt a great deal of guilt over the thoughts that would pop in my head whenever I saw him. Even though my thoughts were still very much PG-13 rated, like "I wonder how his deltoid would feel?" which is the same level of intrusive thought as "Should I just jump in front of this car instead of waiting for the light to turn green?".
That being said, I had judged and convicted myself of thought crime.
You may think, well, that's ridiculous. And you would be right. I am frightfully aware. But, you see, people have this thing called double standards, and I am very guilty of them. I am also guilty of the fact that despite double standards being one of the things I despise the most in other people, they are something I actively engage in, a lot. It's just that while, for a lot of people, double standards mean having one set of rules for others, and a more lax set of rules for themselves, mine go the opposite way. I have a lax set of rules for others, and impossible standards for myself.
So, I would have no issue with someone having the most inappropriate fantasies about me, as long as they didn't act on them, which includes them ever telling me about them. That being said, those same rules do not apply to me, for I deserve no such leniency.
I was taught quite early on that one set of rules applied to others, yet, if I were to behave like them, I would be gravely punished. Even if they were behaviours that were actively praised in others. Thus, the standards for my own behaviour grew, while my expectations of others only decreased.
My favourite question as a child was "Why?". It wasn't combative. It came from genuine curiosity as to why I needed to do something or why something was done a specific way. Sadly, to some adults, especially my mother, this looked a lot like me being contrary. Every "why" was a challenge to their authority. Mind you, sometimes I wouldn't phrase those whys the best way. But it takes some time for children to learn tact.
However, here's the thing about asking why you have to do something. If somebody answers then the rule becomes a set rule. Which means in a fair society, that will apply to everyone. Verbalising rules makes them clear and somewhat fixed. So, if the rule were to be defined, it would have to apply to both me and my mother, forever. But, the same rules rarely applied to her as well as me. And when inconvenient, she needed to be able to change the rules. I constantly felt like I needed to be on alert just in case I broke a rule I didn't know was there.
I was so dogged about following the rules I knew about. Because when a rule was there, I would for sure follow it to the letter. How could I not? I would be punished even about the rules I didn't yet know about.
Take the rule "You are not allowed to lie" as an example. After many years of therapy I have gotten to a point where I can tell small deceptions to save headaches as the answer is not really relevant, and not feel sick to my stomach. Not outright lies, but definitely deceptive, or not fully and accurately representing the truth. But as a child I most certainly could not lie. Because that rule was said to me in no uncertain terms. Yet, I still got punished when I didn't lie, because I was apparently supposed to. Because the actual rule was "I should not lie to my mother, but I should lie whenever it is inconvenient for my mother to tell the truth." Of course, I didn't know that version of the rule, and that got me in trouble when my cousin asked me point-blank if my mother liked him. Obviously, I could only say "no" as she had said as much, in no uncertain terms, the previous day... When my mother found out, I got punished so bad, that it was the only time my step-father stepped in to stop her.
In adulthood, this has only led to a more dogged following of the rules. To the point of annoyance of other people. Especially authority figures who expect you to do as you're told, even if it disagrees with the rules you know. And even if I intended to do the thing, I would still question them. Even when I thought it was a bad idea to say anything, my mouth would usually get the better of me in the end.
My tendency to question everything has been only made worse by the fact that I am also a verbal processor. I yap, a lot. This should come as no surprise to anyone who has read at least a couple of my posts, as they do tend to be quite... long-winded. But, you've likely only seen me yap now. As a child, I am pretty sure I was a lot worse. Every thought, especially the questions, and the things that confused me went straight for the output stream. No filter.
I think this is my earliest memory. I was walking with my grandmother, and someone was parked in my parents' private parking spot. So, I tactlessly and loudly said to my grandmother that a car was parked where it was not allowed and that's wrong. The owner of the car must have heard me, and they apparently knew my mother, because she was very embarrassed by me when they apologised to her. I was severely punished for that. I don't remember much other than she was very angry, and I was terrified. I didn't understand what I did wrong, but I became a much quieter person after that. Nowadays, I only yap with people I like and trust.
What this did, among others was plant the seed that my thoughts were something that I could be punished for. I would sometimes be punished for a wrong look. But sometimes it just felt random... for sure I must have thought something bad recently, and my mother must have seen it on my face, after all my face does have subtitles. Thoughts became dangerous, and something to be policed. So, I fell even deeper into obedience. After all, the best way to ensure absolute obedience is not only to control actions, but to control thoughts, and where you can't control thoughts, instill fear and guilt whenever an undesired thought arises. It worked. I never rebelled, I followed the rules, I worked hard, didn't party, didn't really get into any trouble... My greatest rebellion was shaving my head at the end of high-school. Which arguable wasn't as much of a rebellion because I told my mother I was going to do it, she laughed and shrugged it off giving permission, not thinking I would actually follow through... Only that I did.
How does it play into the whole crush story? Well, what's special about this crush is that it's the first time I have felt physical attraction for someone, before there was already a romantic or emotional relationship established. Don't get me wrong, I have had crushes before, but my fantasies were about meeting, having a really nice conversations, or maybe doing activities together like watching a movie... Hell, my celebrity crush when I was around 23 was Tom Hiddleston, and when I moved to London I had this dream of running into him at the pub, and we'd end up chatting, and without realising spend 3 hours just talking, then exchange numbers, so we could continue the conversation later. That was the whole extent of it. Looking back, all my fantasies were about being friends with my crushes. I wanted a friend.
Before, when I felt physical attraction to someone, we had already been in a relationship. My crush would go as usual where I would fantasise about spending a lot of quality time together. Then on 2 occasions, I actually went ahead and asked them out. Only after going on a date, did I start imagining more between us. And only to the extent of things we've already done together. So, I never thought of something about someone that didn't already give me permission to do in real life, of usually something people don't require permission for.
What is special about this crush is that my thoughts went to things I would only ever do with someone's consent. But I did not have his consent, which to me was something I should feel guilty about. Guilt turned into fear of punishment for thinking something wrong. And fear that you can't act on turns into anxiety because, in this case, I can't exactly run away from my own thoughts. And, in turn, this lead to paralysis and a lot of very unfiltered blog posts. But, that is not courage, it's pure cowardice. Cowardice disguised as authentic content.
Ultimately, as much as I psyched myself up, I gave in to the fear and never took any action. Because, until now, I wasn't even aware of what exactly it was that I was feeling. How could I? If you look at it logically, without all the context above, how would it even make sense that I would be afraid of my own thoughts over being attracted to someone, right? Instead, what I was really feeling was guilt over thinking something... wrong.
I used to joke as a child that if military service became mandatory again, I might just set the fastest record for getting court martialled for insubordination. I may have gotten better at not questioning people... moderately... but, especially as very-much-not-a-morning-person, before 10am my filters have yet to boot up. As the army is not particularly well known for being a sleep-in kind of place, I would likely get myself in trouble by the first morning.
I kind of miss that side of myself. The side that would keep things in for a while, but then, despite being afraid and knowing I might get me in trouble, would still have the courage, or stupidity, to speak up. Since COVID, communication became a lot more intentional, with work from home. Ultimately, I found that if I isolate myself, I don't open my mouth to ruin things as often. I became more and more isolated and relationships, though superficial, were actually easier to keep. But that was a different kind of loneliness that hurt even more. So, I isolated myself even further. All the while, I was punishing myself for my thoughts, my inadequacies... I have put myself in court martial, because it's less scary than someone else putting me there. And, I would only be allowed to go out once I was, down to my every thought, completely acceptable and perfect. Spoiler alert: that's not exactly how things work...
I have been sitting with this realisation for about a week now, and I found that the knowledge alone was enough to dispel a lot of my anxiety and guilt. My thoughts flew more freely. And, when I saw this pattern emerge, I could name it, and suddenly it lost some of its power. This is still new for me, so I am still figuring out where this is going and how it's going to change how I approach people and relationships.
0 Just a piece of information about his values that seem to come in conflict with mine, nothing too dramatic, but enough to signal a charm that stopped allowing my brain to imagine anything there.
