Hello, fellow people pleaser! 2024 was my year of exploring villainy. Or in other words a year of finding out what could I unlock if I allowed myself to be a villain in people's stories. As a people pleaser, something as simple as saying "No, that won't work for me.", or really, just "No." could make me feel like a villain. Some people around me used that to their advantage. I, for one, can pinpoint the specific conversations I had in my childhood that lead me here. If you think about it, I am sure you will too. This post is meant to share what I learned and what I gained through this exploration. I hope it could be an encouragement to other people pleasers to explore their villainy. I would likely have a lot to elaborate on each section, but that would take me another year to write.
The labels we assign ourselves have power, we become the roles we play. As people pleasers we often end up with the victim or helper label. A lot of self empowerment talks about us seeing ourselves as heroes. But being a hero is not like in the movies, to quote the song0. Being a hero in real life, we end up trying to save everyone, even when they don't want to be saved, even when we can't. As people pleasers, we'd end up putting the wellbeing of others above our own. We don't show that we're hurt, because then we would have failed. We don't express any needs, because then we are a burden. And when we fail we are criticised even more harshly. Hero is not a label that I believe helps a people pleaser.
Being a hero is being, or aiming to be, idolised. Making sure we are perfectly good. But we are human, and we cannot be faultless. We will have to let people down. And when we can't do enough, with some people there is never enough, we end up slowly damaging ourselves. This past year, I learned that I would much rather be villainsed than idolised. That way when I am true to myself and my values, I have only me to be accountable to. I am the only one I need to worry about letting down. Sure, there are many things in between hero and villain, but if I had to choose, I would pick Villain.
"Establishing healthy boundaries always feels like a villain arc to someone who has always been a people-pleaser." - UNKNOWN
Let's talk about building that hypothetical lair! It does not have to be an underground mansion at the heart of an extinct volcano. It can just be the safety of our own home, or just a room in our home1. And that home isn't just the physical space.
Great things about our lair of villainy:
We build that lair with boundaries. Boundaries are a set of things we can do to make sure that we are safe in our lair. Sometimes they can be expressed as a simple "no" or "could you please not ____". With some people that is enough. As people pleasers that is difficult enough. When we come across a person whose response to our "No" is "Oh, ok, sorry, I won't do this anymore." and then following through, it can be transformative.
If someone tells us "You're a horrible person for not giving in to my demands"... Let's be horrible people, because sometimes the alternative is a lot worse. And they will tell others about us too. "My daughter is so cruel, she doesn't want to see me. Won't even give me her address." Let them. The people who actually care about us will at least have a conversation with us before forming an opinion. They will approach us with curiosity, and we may find they are willing to accept the boundaries we have set. Some may still try to convince us not to have the boundary... Going forward let's take that as a gift of knowing who else we need to distance ourselves from.
A villain's lair is their safe house. Is where they go to heal, and recover. Is where they grow and develop their next great plan (should it succeed or not, only attempting it will tell). Without the safety of that lair, all slowly disintegrates. When a lair has been compromised there is no shame in moving. Ultimately we are the ones who control what access people have to us, physically or emotionally. No, we cannot, and should not, control our emotions other evoke in us, but we should learn from them. Because if talking to someone drains us, and makes us miserable, it's best to be seen as villains than to continue talking to them. That is the power of boundaries, they are all in our control, even if what we need to do in order to protect them may seem villainous. Let it.
Our boundaries are the cost of being in our lives. Good people will look at themselves and see if they want to pay the price, or walk away. Others will try to coerce us into giving them a discount. Know your worth, and respect those who choose to stay and those who choose to leave.
"Destroying the status quo because the status is not quo." - Dr Horrible
Villains don't take the rules the society has placed in front of them on how to behave and go "Sure, I'll go do that.". In fact, they are villains because they go against what society considers good. They think, figure out what they want, and go against the status quo. Because, when you start to think of it the status quo is so full of contradictions, that even the status cannot be quo.
Fitting in involves changing ourselves to be part of a group. It can involve assessing a situation and becoming who we need to be to be accepted. It means figuring out what the rules of the game are, and playing by them, even when they do not align to our values, or who we are. Because of it, fitting in, according to research by Dr Brené Brown, is actually the opposite of belonging. Because belonging, is allowing ourselves to be who we really are, and being around people who accept and cherish us for it. It will not be everyone, but it doesn't need to be, for us to feel like we belong.
In societies where homosexuality is illegal, some are born villains, through no fault of their own. Some will try to change the unchangeable, sometimes with deadly consequences. So dump those societal expectations in the trash where they belong. Society doesn't live our lives for us.
In this year of villainy, I have grown to drop most, if not all, labels I had placed on myself (by me or others). They were defining a status quo that caused me more harm than good. They were defining a set of expectations that I could not meet without losing or harming myself. So I gave them up. Strange thing to say when this is literally a post about putting one big "VILLAIN" label on ourselves, right? I believe this is less about putting that label on ourselves, but allowing that label to be put on us, and truly being comfortable with it. Because if we say thank you when someone calls us a villain, it loses the shaming power it once had.
Villain is a label that to me means: be who you are, and f**k the rest. If we look at all the villains in the media, they are such a diverse range. Harrison Fisk could not be more different to the Joker. There is no one stereotype for the villain, but there is one for the hero.
"If I was a minion, that's who'd I want to work for!" - Tina
Have you ever found people who supported your ideas and your world view, then been accused of creating yourself an echo chamber by the people who didn't? Even when the people you found were the majority? Ever been told that if you keep disagreeing, you will never have friends? No? Just me?
I used to find it hard to make friends. Ultimately, people pleasing did prevent me from making genuine connections. When I started allowing myself to be seen as the villain, stepping back from relationships that were doing me harm, I made space for genuine friendships to form. With people who genuinely enjoyed my company, and let me know that they do, in those words. I stepped back from places where I did not feel welcomed, stopped trying to fit in and those people eventually manifested. Being selective with who they are doesn't make them an echo chamber. Friends in this analogy are our minions, but the relationship goes both ways. As much as they are mine, I am theirs (friend, I mean).
Do you ever wonder why minions follow the villain even in dangerous situations? Because they trust the villain, and agree with their values. Also, I assume the villain pays a fair wage, unlike the heroes who will pay with the feeling of a good deed well done, and maybe exposure. Minions are also the ones allowed in a villain's lair. So while they trust the villain, that trust goes both ways. The loyalty the minions show to the villain is closer to that of a friend. And, yes, sometimes the minions will betray the villain, but notice how they often do it because of their own values? If the villain was holding them hostage under the threat of death, that threat may win over the betrayal, but it doesn't because there isn't one.
I may sound like a villain apologist, but what I am saying is, people will come and go, as you grow together or grow apart, let them. Be with people who make you proud to be their friend and support them, and who are proud to be your friend and support you.
"You see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are." – The Joker, The Dark Knight
As villains, we soon discover that the rules of the people and society around us don't really match us. As people pleasers, we contort ourselves to meet those rules. Sometimes we may try, foolishly, to change the rules. Because as people pleasers we have that voice of "I need to follow the rules!" combined with a fear of punishment. I grew up with that mindset all my life. It's a very disempowering mindset that makes one feel like a victim. So, I took only one step from that, change is slow after all, to "I am choosing to follow the rules.". Choosing to follow the rules means that I can also have a more conscious risk based approach when I choose not to follow the rules. Because sometimes the rules contradict, and we need to choose. Other times we just can't possibly follow a rule. And questioning the rule allows us to remove ourselves from the situation which requires us to follow a rule, when needed. This turned me from "I need to respect every rule to the letter"2 to knowing when to remove myself from a situation where respecting the rules that did not align with my values.
Here's a rule that I follow, that is based on my own values. I do not lie. Let's look at it from the perspective of the 3 common roles we've talked about this far.
Hero: I don’t lie because lying is bad. Result: Bad here offers the ambiguity to be able to lie when it's for the greater good, because then lying is not bad, right? But our brain is capable of quite a lot of cognitive resonance when we need to convince ourselves we did the good thing.
Victim: I don’t lie because I was told I shouldn’t lie, and I will get punished if I do. Result: Sometimes it means not lying to the extreme that it puts the person in danger when they didn't need to be. Can lead to over-explaining, so as not to run the risk of being accused of lying. The victim then ends up in multiple situations which further confirm the status of victim because of it.
Villain: I don’t lie, because I don’t want to put in the effort to keep track of my lies and risk having to explain myself, should I get caught. Result: I take responsibility for my not lying. It is now a choice, not done out of fear. If I am in a position where I think I am unsafe, I will still tell the truth, a partial truth, that is meant to be interpreted in a way that favours me. I am not being honest, but not a lie has left my lips. The reason I do not lie is fulfilled.
Not lying may not be a rule for you. What are the rules you have set for yourself? How about the ones imposed by others? As a villain, you get to choose how, when and how much you abide by the rules others impose on you. After all, what could happen, they call us the B word? An authoritarian parent may want to know our every single move, it is up to us to disclose it or not. A hero may tell us that a villain monologues, but we don't need to abide by that rule. In fact, we don't need to reveal our plans to those who have not earned our trust. When they become a villain they can choose to monologue. However, they cannot enforce that rule upon us. Or what? You'll be a bad villain? A villain is, by definition, bad.
If we always adapt to the rules that other set in front of us in order to be safe, it shows little about our own morality. While we are safe from the harsh judgement of others we are also preventing the people who would appreciate us from knowing us.
"Say what you like about warlords and dictators; they always pay their bills on time." - Yuri Orlov
But what about laws? Surely, if we went around being villains, we'd just end up in prison. Well, first off, this is a post about people pleasing primarily. I am talking about how we are viewed, but, let's look at abiding the law. As a former people pleaser, one of my "superpowers" was my moral perfectionism. I think there is still an element of that today, one that I do not dislike anymore, as it presents itself in a healthy manner. I will respect the law and anyone's rules as they state them. If they do not work with me3, then I remove myself from the situation.
If I choose to break the law, I do it knowingly that I may and will pay the price for breaking that law. It may not be worth smoking weed in Indonesia, but go to Amsterdam and I would have no such issue. There are laws where there consequence is a fine, sometimes significant, sometimes not. But then it's a question of choice.
But do pay your taxes. Paying taxes is good, and lawful. If you don't believe me, or it doesn't align with your values, just ask Al Capone.
"More good women have been lost to marriage than to war, famine, disease, and disaster. You have talent, darling. Don't squander it." - Cruella de Vil
There is something manipulative in the way people pleasers adapt to people around them. Because being loved is important, and some of us learn early on that being ourselves and having needs leads to us not being loved. So, we so easily lose ourselves in a plea to be loved. Why is it manipulative? Well, after all those changes, who do these people love? 'Cuz it's not us.
Villains do not do that. They are unapologetically themselves. They seem eccentric. A villain has a concept an a set of values that they stick to, regardless of what others may say or think. The villain does not need to be loved by anyone. Some may be more charismatic than others, but their villainy, ultimately, comes from accepting the hate.
When I told a friend that I've not had much luck in dating due to my strong, somewhat unapproachable aspect4, she suggested I dress more girly and act more cutesy. That didn't sit right with me. I am bad-ass. Hiding that, would be lying. And thing is, I'd either have to stick to the gimmick, or be found out pretty fast. I know I wouldn't want that to happen to me, why would I do it to someone else?
I now would only consider someone who would like all of me. Hiding part of it would do me no favours. Sure, I would get more dates, but not with people I would actually want to have a relationship with, or would want to be in a relationship with me. How I know? I made that mistake in the past. Cut my hair, dropped some of my more "feminine" or "cringe" hobbies that my ex didn't like, refused to admit to the things that I wanted, like flowers or romantic dates, swallowed my needs... Result: I, as a whole person, was not being loved. And, I didn't even give them the chance to love me as a person either. That being said, after therapy, expressing my needs, and growing my hair back out, they decided they didn't love me. I do not regret changing. For they didn't love me before either. I didn't change into someone else, I became more myself. Though, fully regaining myself took another year after that.
Sometimes there will be people you love, who don't love you back, and that's ok. Sometimes there will be people you want to love you, and they don't, and that's ok too. But you know what? Villains tend to have the most impressive love stories of them all. When they find someone, they are with people who will go to the end of the world for them, and they too would go to the end of the world for them in return. Because those people will love each other in all their glory5.
I think, at one point, I realised that no matter what I did, if someone wanted to make me the villain, they could. If they did it with friends, and those friends agreed without question, I needed to question if they were actually my friends, and not whether I was crazy. Regardless how hard I tried, there were some people for whom I would never be enough.
Ultimately, we can never control how other people treat us, but we can control their access to us. And if that makes us villains, let us be villains. Regardless how hard we try to people please, we will still be villains. But we would be unhappy villains. By respecting our needs, our boundaries, and our values, we will choose to be villains, content, peaceful villains. Which one would you choose? Because the choice seems obvious to me. Ultimately choosing to be a villain, coming from a people pleaser background is not about malice, it's about empowerment. What are the things you would do or be if you allowed yourself to have that label?
Interested in learning more? Feel free to explore my coaching here and book a free intro call to discuss how I can help you find your villainous side and setting boundaries.
Note: I would like to show appreciation to John Scalzi for the fantastic article title, and to my former colleague, who, upon hearing me recommend the book, thought it was a self-help book, and was growing visibly, increasingly confused as I enthused about it. This made me think what would a self-help book called Starter Villain even be like. And the answer was: absolutely brilliant.
0 I do recommend the song.
1 Room Nineteen perchance?
2 Yes, I was fun at parties...
3 Less of an issue with the usual stuff. I generally agree not to litter, murder, steal, not pay my taxes, etc...
4 I continuously contribute to this by going to the gym to lift heavy weights, and have no intention of stopping(again).
5 Not me IRL, trying to manifest this....