This one is a softer post, one that I didn't really have a plan for. Maybe it came out of my last post and the things not spoken.
Being seen is one of the most powerful experiences one can have. Being seen, truly, is one of our most core needs. We first want to be noticed by our parents, and then by the people around us. It's not attention seeking, but that acknowledgement of your existence only other people can give you. Being listened to, being seen, being noticed. It's not in the grand gestures, but in the small ones. Like a smile that brightens when you return it when making eye contact. I don't know about you, but it doesn't often happen to me, and when it did/does it sticks with me, and fills me with warmth. There's a quiet warmth and kindness that is only possible when somebody notices you. And it means a lot, at least to me. And it affects me, for weeks maybe months after it happens0.
Maybe the kindness of strangers is even more powerful when the people around us lack it. Like the "partner" who knows you can't handle spice but accidentally adds spice, because they forgot... Yet the person at the restaurant you frequent remembers your order, or even more so, when she notices you always remove the spicy paste from the dish, so she doesn't put it in. Have you never felt the emptiness when someone would ask you a question and then not bother to listen to your answer? How you stop talking, and they don't even notice? That dismissal hurts, because it says you're not worth seeing. But then when someone listens, really does, it feels so good.
In the Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work the first chapter is rightfully Love Maps. It comes both with an explanation of its importance and with exercises you can do with your partner to help improve each other's love maps. Love maps are the collection of things we know about our partner. We don't only have those for our partners, nor only for people. Anything we care about we create a map in our heads of all the knowledge we gather on the subject. The more we care about them, the more we collect. It may not reach the levels of a hyper-fixation, but when we care about someone, and we notice something about them, we store it away. We may notice they like strawberries. It may not mean anything in the moment, but we'll put it away. And then, when we see strawberries at the market, we think of them.
This applies to work relationships too. The manager I still think most fondly of is my last manager at Amazon. My first two managers there, while they were very competent, they were also responsible for a very large number of people, as such they could not pay much time or attention to little ol' me. My last manager there joined just for my team, and he cared. He really did, I felt so bad for deciding to leave, especially as he had just suggested putting me up for a promotion. I didn't know this at the time, how rare managers like him are1. Managers who notice where you can improve and tell you. Who notice what you do well and praise you. Who have your back, and are interested in your growth in a way that is aligned with your strengths and interests... In other words, managers who really see you.
Growing up I learned very quickly to observe. It was a learned survival skill. I was socially awkward as a child, partially due to a strong sense of justice and taking rules very literally. When I'd get something wrong, I'd get into trouble. This was very hard for me to deal with, because I was following the rules, right? There are others like me, who learn to predict and observe the moods of their volatile parents. Later in life it can be debilitating, as hypervigilance sets in, and everything comes with additional overhead. But over time, it can be turned into a superpower.
I hadn't fully registered just how unusual this was until in my Krav Maga class, we did some exercises on how to pay attention to our surroundings. One of the homework tasks was to pay attention to every person in the Underground carriage with us. Who is likely to be a threat? Who is likely to be a target? Who doesn't seem like a target at all? What are they doing? Hearing it described, I found it confusing, because wasn't that all common sense? I always did that. Scan my surroundings, notice anyone who stood out and may be a threat, and stay aware of their movements in my peripheral vision. What it did, however, was bring to the conscious the things I instinctively noticed; like what marked someone as a threat, whether it was subtle signs of inebriation, or a twitchiness2.
That is seeing on instinct. So, what is seeing with intentionality? One of the things that makes me a good coach, is my ability to listen. If you're talking to me, you have my undivided attention, most of the time. And that was even before I was a coach. What I learned as a coach was how to listen and hold that in positive regard for the person. It is what creates a safe environment to share.
But what about in the rest of our lives? Once I got to a point where I could regulate myself more, I found safe spaces, and was able to recognise them. Sometimes they are passing, like a quiet mountain trail. Once it's safe, and you realise the boars they have warning signs for mostly come out at night, suddenly you stop worrying about every sound in the leaves, and you can notice the small waterfalls, the hidden shrines, the wild flowers, the smell of the trees. Sometimes they are our safe places we build, like the gym for me. After a while you start to notice the regulars and the staff, their rituals and their shifting moods. And sometimes they're in the remaining unseen, like when you watch people pass by from a coffee table in Paris. We can't just want to see because we're supposed to, we want to impress, or do it for others. I think we can only truly see if we want to, for our own curiosity, and our own wonder. Not with judgement, but with a true desire to know.
Despite how much it means to me, I have a very hard time allowing myself to be seen. This blog started as a safe way for me to put myself out there, and I am making it a habit so, by practice, it will become a little easier to do it in real life. I know that during my worst times I could go for weeks without ever leaving the house. That doesn't really allow people to see me. It makes sense, because for every time we are seen, there are countless other times when we are not. And sometimes instead of being seen we are shamed for who we are. So we go quiet, we retreat, we hide ourselves...
It took me a long time to reconcile that people didn't notice the way I noticed. Sometimes it came with hurt feelings, because surely they would have seen, they were just choosing not to. That was my journey. I had to learn to ask for the things that I needed, with words, not actions. It's a vulnerable and scary thing to do, because asking was not always met with openness. It may be met with an attack instead, not just the need being ignored. Sometimes you are asking the wrong person. But there are times they genuinely cannot see. That's the most valuable thing I got from couple's therapy, the reassurance that yes, I could not have expressed myself more clearly. Some people do indeed choose not to see. But the worst hurt was when they saw, and they tried to change or dismiss what they saw because it wasn't "convenient".
The past year has been a journey for me to reclaim myself, to put myself out there, to allow people to see me. It's still a work in progress. But I am in a new city and, in 3 months, I am already making friends. Something I wouldn't have thought possible before. It's scary because putting myself out there to be seen, is also putting myself out there to be judged. But we can't build connections without allowing people to see us. Ultimately being seen is being noticed without judgement. And sometimes people will see us. Even if it's just as small as a brightly returned smile. Or if it's a new friend who will genuinely enjoy listening to me talk about my current interest.
People sometimes want to be famous, want to gather followers, become famous authors. But what that all really stems from is this need to be seen. Surely if I have many followers people see me... We idealise celebrity life, yet we miss its reality, the lack of privacy, the constant scrutiny... I know I want to be seen, even if that's not through fame. Sometimes it's, external validation, which is really a form of being seen. Because external validation also comes with caveats. If someone complimented us on something that wasn't true about us, it wouldn't feel like validation, because it's missing the first step, and that is being seen.
I think this is a core need. We want to be seen, yet it's not always obvious when we are. How could we? We notice others, yet don't do or say anything, sometimes because we think we might make people feel uncomfortable. I know I am very guilty of this. Would it be creepy that I noticed how they take their coffee3 without them ever telling me? Stalker romances are nice in fiction4, but actual stalkers are terrifying. We fear being judged both when we watch and when we allow ourselves to be watched.
But then, when someone notices us, really notices us, we feel warm inside. We remember the smiles, the small acts of kindness, even if they're as small as a banana. They stay with us, because unfortunately they have become rarer and rarer5. But we miss out on so much of the beauty of the world and people around us when we stop looking. Have you ever felt truly known? When was the last time? Because in a world that is so easy to disappear in, it may just be one of the most powerful and radical things we can do for each other.
I will leave you with my favourite performance of Dear Evan Hansen6's You Will Be Found.
0 There is one particular act of kindness that happened over 10 years ago. It was a banana. It made me cry then, and it still makes me tear up now. And that person probably never thought back on it ever again. Maybe I'm weird...
1In fact, I have yet to have a manager like him again. And be certain that if I ever do, they're never getting rid of me, EVER.
2 Best thing to do here is observe and avoid. That is not always possible, as proven by the fact that me and my coworkers got assaulted on a subway in New York regardless. But everyone was fine.
3 I used to take mine like Pedro Pascal, 6 shots of espresso. Nowadays, I can only have some decaf in the morning otherwise I can't sleep.
4 They represent someone knowing us without us having to put in the effort to tell them.
5 I recently went to a popular sushi place. There were so many couples in the queue with me... and yet I was the only one not on my phone... and I was alone...
6 The entire musical is about being seen, and honestly an absolute banger, if you ignore the teen angst.