Hello from Bali! The ultimate vacation destination, the epitome of relaxation, the mindfulness Mecca... And Maria's source of constant restlessness, and low level anxiety. Thoughts like "Am I not relaxing right?", "Am I incapable of relaxation?", "Why am I not finding peace here?", "I am doing the Bali thing wrong" seem to have taken over my mind for the first week. Consequentially, I spent the first week feeling bad about it, and blaming the torrential rains0 for my inability to have fun. On a sunnier day, I tried going for a walk around Uluwatu (the temple, etc.) and realised quite quickly how unpleasant I felt just walking around the pedestrian unfriendly roads1. Bali is unlike any other holiday I’ve experienced. And while my goal in past holidays wasn't necessarily to relax, but have a break from every day life, I did manage to relax. For Bali the goal was relaxation, and it didn't take me long to realise I was failing. But why? Am I incapable of mindfulness?
Mindfulness has become such a buzzword and there are slogans about it everywhere. "Slow down", "Stop and smell the flowers", "Stop and listen to yourself", "Take your time", and an onslaught of similar advice, that may work for most people, but not for everyone. The classic image of relaxation is the person sitting in Lotus pose, eyes closed, in complete silence, as their surroundings are completely devoid of any activity but for that of the natural flow of nature. Complete stillness. I tried it. Didn't feel very relaxing to me.
After a while I remembered a video I saw a long time ago from Angelika Koch where she talks how classic meditation doesn't work for her, and instead she blasts loud music to meditate. Why wouldn't relaxation be the same? While classic meditation works for many, others need more stimuli to achieve the same effect. Similarly, for some people relaxation is staying still in a peaceful place, for others like myself maybe active relaxation is the only way.
Thinking back to when I was the most relaxed it was when I was walking briskly2 through the streets of Seoul or climbing up Namsan, when I did a new activity with my hands, when I crocheted something, when I blasted some dancy music and moved my body3, being in the gym lifting weights, or when I sing my heart out in a noraebang or the privacy of my own home.
For me relaxation is active. And it's not that I need activity to drown out my thoughts. I don't think it's an avoidant behaviour, but genuinely moments in which I can be entirely with myself. Just because I walk fast, it doesn't mean I do not observe things that are around me, doesn't mean I don't stop and smell the flowers, in fact if I see a cat I will stop to say hi.
For me sitting completely still, focusing on my body is fine for about 5 minutes, if I am being generous. Best case, I start daydreaming, worst case I feel completely stifled and then start thinking something is wrong with me, cue the slippery slope of self-hate.
After a long period of self flagellation and negative talk, I realised still is just not my relaxation. Relaxation is finding the speed which matches my natural flow. And my natural flow is NOT slow. It is not the panicked running around of a high stress job, but it is also not sitting still and just breathing. It's deciding on a destination, then walking with purpose at a stable brisk pace to that destination, taking in the scenery along the way4. It's repetitive purposeful actions that connect me with my body and my own thoughts.
Having that realisation helped me feel less guilty about how I do my holidays. Especially this one in particular. Because my relaxation isn't about standing still, but finding my flow and moving with it. And to anyone like me who is overtaken with frustration when stuck behind slow moving tourists, despite not having to make any appointments and in fact just being on a walk5. My flow isn't slow. It's not running pace, but it's not slow either.
So what is my pace? Have you ever walked on a treadmill? Great for cardio, but if you put on some music you enjoy, what is the pace where you could walk past the intended goal for cardio's sake. At 12% incline, for me, it's between 3.5 and 4 km/hr. At a 0% incline, it's between 5 and 6 km/hr depending on what I am listening to. If I go slower, I tend to get bored and want to leave the treadmill faster. What is the slowest you can go without getting the itch to do something else? What is the fastest where you are still wanting to continue?
I like travel because I get to experience new cultures, expand my understanding of the world and see new perspectives. And being an unnoticed observer to another world, to me, is relaxing. Relaxation can happen in different shapes for different people. Sometimes that happens while people watching from a café in Paris, sometimes it happens when you're trying to see how fast you can finish a scarf before winter, sometimes it happens as you watch some 80 year-olds overtake you on a hiking trail6... The trick is listening to ourselves to see when we are relaxed, not prescribing to some other people's definition of when we are supposed to be relaxed7. Because, guess what happens when we think we're supposed to be relaxing, and we are just not? Hint: it's not relaxing more.
Relaxation should leave you feeling refreshed afterwards. At least mentally. And sometimes that is an intense workout at the gym. And just because something was relaxing 6 years ago, it doesn't mean it needs to be relaxing now. Ultimately relaxation is finding our flow and going with it. And if we're a lake that stands still or a river flowing as fast as the Amazon, go with it. There will be times in life when we need to slow down, and times we need to speed up. There is no one right way to do a holiday, and no one right way to relax. Though there may be some destinations that are more right than others.
I found my peace much more easily in the buzz of Seoul, than in the calm of Bali. Because my flow is relatively fast, to stand still I would need to put in a lot of effort to proverbially row upstream. Bali is not my relaxation. However, I know I can relax in Seoul. If I want some peace and quiet I can hike up Namsan with relative ease, or if I want a bit of a challenge, Bukhansan is only a short subway ride away. After some reflection, I decided to move my flight to Seoul up by a week. As such, I will be heading to Seoul on New Year's Eve instead. I realised I don't need to subscribe to other people's definition of relaxation. So I decided to be true to myself and head to Seoul early, trading the warm weather and tranquil beaches of Bali for the freezing cold, vibrant city in the mountains that is Seoul. And look on the bright side, is there a more poetic time to start my journey living in South Korea?
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0 The rain is actually one of my favourite things from Bali. It is warm, but cools things down just enough to be pleasant. The sounds of the rain are just top tier. And if it's not pouring so hard you can't see, it's not that unpleasant to walk in the rain. The others are the fruits, the massages and the coffee. I realised I had a coffee problem when I walked through a downpour for 5 minutes just to get my morning coffee.
1 The blazing sun also did not help.
2 I am a fast walker provided I haven't just eaten, and there are few things more frustrating than being stuck behind a slow walker.
3 Provided NOBODY is watching.
4 Just because I walk fast, doesn't mean I don't take the time to notice my surroundings. In fact evidence suggests I observe more than the average person on my walks.
5 Or on some particular occasions being a fellow tourist.
6 Ok, that one may not be as relaxing...
7 I have successfully relaxed during a massage exactly once. Baths while enjoyable are not relaxing to me. My body appreciates both, but they are something I do for my muscles, not my mind.