There are days, like today, that I just don’t want to be perceived. I will avoid, as much as possible, to even get out of the house, at any cost. The only exception is the gym. I do miss my old building gym where, if I timed it right, I would be the only person there. I admit even at this new gym I have started to keep track of the least busy times and tend to aim for them. But it’s rare that no one else is there.
I could go full TikTok self-help girlie and say that my tendency to self isolate is my toxic trait informed by the fact that my love language is the opposite. I have seen that making the rounds so many times at this point. But first off, love languages are not backed by any science0, and second off, it's never that simple.
The main theme is the fear of judgement1. But, ultimately, I feel like if I am not at my best I should not subject people to me, lest I become a burden(if they're nice) or an inconvenience(if they're not). I grew up in an environment where not putting 100% effort into everything was a punishable offence. Then, I surrounded myself with people who always expected me to be at my best self, because that was what I recognised as familiar. And bad habits die hard.
Not being able to show up as my best self on a given day triggers me into a state of fear. I am more likely to fawn to my own detriment, so instead I run away and hide myself.
The less obvious effect is getting down this spiral that negatively impacts my mental health, as I isolate myself from people. I always thought of myself as an introvert, but I always feel better after hanging out with people... that is... until I have time to myself to doubt every single interaction and convince myself I am the most annoying person to have crossed the earth2. I am most likely an extrovert who has developed social anxiety after being told over and over again nobody cares what she has to say, and she’s just being annoying3.
The most obvious effect is fewer clients for my coaching. I have chosen this career path, where while I can study all I want there is nothing that will replace practice and exposure. No matter how good you are if there are no people to benefit from your coaching, you’ve done no good. And to get clients one needs to put themselves out there. Especially at the beginning where word of mouth hasn't gotten the chance to spread. But looking at some fantastic coaches I've had the opportunity to work with, it never really stops.
The heading is misleading because I don’t actually have a solution4, but there are things I am doing.
Moving to a new city without really knowing anyone has highlighted how important it is to be intentional with putting myself out there, to make friends. I am trying to find out if I can make a home of Seoul, and I can’t do that if I am not an active participant in it.
Hiding myself serves no one, especially myself. Because, unlike what I have been told before, some people do actually enjoy my company. A surprising amount of them. Even when I'm not at my best. And if they don’t, well, we probably shouldn't hang out anyway.
I'll leave you with the soundtrack for today:
0 Gary Chapman, the creator of the love language is a pastor. In his book he even uses the love languages, of the husband being physical touch, to justify that a woman should always provide sex. Despite it being an abusive relationship.
1 Though more on that in the next episode.
2 I mean I know I am not bad enough or good enough to hold that title, but close. There's fierce competition worldwide at the moment for the title.
3 Well, the exact wording was closer to “Stop talking so much. No one is interested in what you have to say they’re just waiting for you to finish, so they can talk about themselves”. But after all it's a translation anyway.
4 Yes, I still seek solutions even though there is literally a poster on my wall saying: "Life is not a problem to be solved, it's a mystery to be lived" or more accurately "삶은 풀어야 할 문제가 아니고, 살아야 할 신비다. "... I should read it more often, maybe it helps..
5 I am just taking the first draft and only one and a half round of edits, unlike my usual process. Note that there's even more footnotes than usual... As I think in footnotes...6
6 At least there's no footnotes for the footnotes... oops...
7 Whether that is because nobody reads this, or they genuinely don’t care about the mistakes, I don’t want to know. My analytics just count page loads not distinct viewers or full reads.
8 Force is not exactly the right word, as I find it a lot more difficult to take a rest day from the gym than to go to the gym. But it's harder than usual, so it's the closest word I could find.
9 Like seriously, I have never felt so instantly comfortable and safe as I have felt in this gym. And I am skittish. Very much so. I don't know what their secret is, but you can tell I'm not the only one who feels that way.
10 Not that it’s good to give 100% on every day at the gym.