A Rose By Any Other Name

Those who know me well know that I have no particular attachment to my name. I would go as far as to say I actively dislike it. For the past 12 years I have been giving people the English pronunciation of my name, and that bothers me less. But I still deeply dislike the sound of my own name in my native tongue. It's not just the name itself, but its story. My name was chosen as a throw away, the most common name in Romania, as a last moment decision. The story as to why I am named Maria changed every time it was told. Once it was the doctor⁰, sometimes it was the nurse, another time it was the orderly, once it was my godmother's mother's name¹... The story differed every time, the fact that remained was that up until I was born I was supposed to be named Vlad, and Maria was nothing but an afterthought.

Why Vlad? It was Vlad after Vlad the Impaler, you know, the inspiration for Dracula². If you don't find this at all strange, you, like me, probably read or watched way too much vampire fiction. And I admit it wasn't until recently that I realised the extent to which this is messed up, and the shadow this name has cast on me.

My mother admired him greatly. It is said that during his reign one could leave a sack of gold in the middle of the street, and it would still be there a week later. But to realise why, a brief summary of Romanian history and storytelling may be necessary.

A Short Lesson on Romanian History

Vlad got his moniker for impaling a lot of people. I won't go into the gory details of what impaling is, you can search it yourself. But it could simply be described as a very slow and painful way to kill somebody. As the story goes, he impaled anyone who committed even the smallest of crimes, be it murder or stealing a loaf of bread. So it comes as no surprise that he inspired such lore as Dracula. While the extent of his cruelty may have been exaggerated and may not be entirely provable, that does not change how he is perceived and taught in schools. And ultimately it is the perception of a character that gives it power, not who they actually were.

Interestingly, and probably why it took me so long to see this, Vlad the Impaler is still regarded as one of Romania's greatest rulers. One reason for that is that his extreme cruelty was seen as to be in service to the "national interest". If that doesn't tell you something about Romanian values, I don't know what does³. Romania is very much a "spare the rod, spoil the child" kind of country, and there are still people, especially my mother, who associate fear with respect. And of course a child should respect their parents.

Of course this is not universal, and it is not all Romanian people. But it is definitely true for my mother. I don't even need to make assumptions, those were statements that were made. And she saw Vlad the Impaler as Romania's greatest ruler, and lauded him as such. What he really did was conduct a cleansing of the country of anyone who disagreed with him, or he saw as a blight on society(i.e. thieves).

Modern media has gotten to a point to adore vampires and what they represent, with a figure that was designed to strike fear into readers becoming one of the most romanticised mythological creatures out there. If my mother had liked vampire fiction, which she didn't maybe the name would have had some redemption, albeit a weird one. But, alas, it was the ruthless leader who created order through fear that she idolised.

A Modern Day Equivalent

Details have most certainly been lost to the ages. And Romanian history is certainly not as widely documented as other countries' and much less than modern history. So I can't help but think of a modern day equivalent.

Naming your child Vlad after Vlad the Impaler would likely be the modern equivalent of naming your kid Doo-hwan after Chun Doo-hwan. Thanks to two South Korean sensations, Han Kang and Squid Game, you may be familiar with some of his crimes, but not necessarily his name. He happens to be the dictator who is responsible for the Gwangju massacre that is depicted in Han Kang's Nobel winning novel Human Acts. He is also responsible for the "purification campaign" for the 1988 Olympics that rounded up homeless people, orphans and disabled people into facilities like the Brothers Home, which inspired Squid Game, which ultimately lead to their death. In other words, he created order through mass terror. As at the time cameras existed, as well as the printing press, records of those events are much better documented, and despite attempts of the Korean government to hide them, fairly verifiable.

Praising Vlad the Impaler for Romania becoming a safe country during his reign, would be like praising Chun Doo-hwan for how safe Korea is nowadays. And yes, you can leave actual cash and your phone on a café table here, leave, come back, and it will still be there. Saying Chun Doo-hwan is to be credited for that is not only unpleasant, but unverifiable, simplistic, and untrue. There are certainly other societal values of Korean culture to be praised for that, rather than a cruel authoritarian dictator and his entire regime.

I admit I could have compared him to Hitler instead, but I feel like he was too prolific, and the focus would have been elsewhere. One could also argue that what Hitler did was also in the benefit of national interest. And I am sure there are still people who believe Chun Doo-hwan acted in the national best interest, as there are certainly people who still do not believe the Gwangju massacre took place.

The Power of a Name

Alas, names have power, even if that name is not fully given, it was intended. And that intention cannot be taken back. Especially when it is revealed multiple times to the person.

I can't help but laugh at the irony of my mother calling me a monster when she fully intended to name me after one. Words and names have power however, so I cannot say there isn't a voice in my head that wonders if it is actually true. If I am truly a monster. It is faint but it's there. It's quietened by how English has taken over my brain, how I think, feel, and dream. But that is a story for another time.

I have thought of changing my name. While the UK has a rather complicated, yet standardised process to do so, in Romania it would certainly not be as easy. And even if I did my old name would still eternally exist in the deed poll records. But alas, even if I did, the process of updating my name everywhere would feel less like reclaiming a name, but shoving my old one under the carpet. And a name once given still holds power. And I am not speaking just legally, because my name will forever be somewhere in some record, but emotionally. It will always be there. How could it not, when a name that was never on any documentation still has power over me?

New Beginnings

Last year I started a new life in South Korea. While it started as a trial, it became something that I could see myself do in the long run(Visa allowing). However recently the question of names has come up, and it's been in a background tab processing since. I was asked a few weeks back at the pharmacy if I had a Korean name. I think it was because the pharmacist was struggling with my super long name in their system, but alas I did not have one. And a few of the Korean people I met asked me if I have one too, but it didn't feel as official.

For a long time, I worried it may be a form of cultural appropriation. After all, you can take a glance at me and notice I am very much not Korean, why would I have a Korean name. But the more time I have spent here the more I see it as a form of social integration than appropriation. After all, East Asian people have quite frequently adopted English names as a form of integration when moving to the UK or the States.

So, I have been thinking a lot about a Korean name for myself. This would not erase my name, but live alongside. And may become more present in my life going forward.

I admit, while I have always liked naming things, my own name felt like it should be given, or earned, not chosen. But why should I not choose a name for myself? Am I not the best person to choose a name for myself?

Also, is it too soon to choose one? I think I have an idea of what it should be, but is it right? There is power in a name after all, it would need to be a representation of me in the present and who I truly strive to become, not necessarily just admire... What should a name be?

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⁰ Fact check: I know the doctor, he was a man. His name doesn't even start with M.

¹ Fact check: her name is also not Maria.

² Though that name actually came from his father's nickname, Vlad Dracul.

³ And one wonders why I left the country...