Maria Mateescu • Personal Log
Marry Someone Pretty
Grandma Was Right
I once saw a thread where a girl shared her grandma’s advice: ‘Marry someone pretty. You'll have a happier relationship.’ It sounded shallow. But when you think about it, there actually is some truth to it. And it may just be research backed. Whether Grandma stumbled upon this knowledge by accident or was actually Dr. Julie Gottman in disguise, I may never know. However, if we look at the Gottman Sound Relationship House, and how pretty affects each floor, she was definitely onto something.
Admiration: The basis of a lasting relationship
On level two of the Sound Relationship House is admiration. Now, I am not saying that the only thing that you admire about your partner should be their looks. There will definitely be other things. Maybe it’s the way they focus, the way they get shy over the smallest things, their kindness... Even so, while these are easy things to remember, we still need to take an extra step to do so. But, if they're pretty, there it is staring you in the face. And seeing them all pretty-like, instantly brings the rest of the things you like about them to mind. Admiration? Done. Easy!
Bids: Any excuse to look at them
Bids for connection are one of the leading metrics in determining if a relationship will succeed or not. Couples that stay married turn towards each other about 86% of the time, whereas couples that divorced turned towards each other only 33% of the time. A bid is a way your partner asks for your attention, or affection. And, if you’re in a relationship with someone pretty, don’t you want every excuse to look at them, to interact with them, or to hear their voice? I know I do. If they're attractive, they attract your attention, and your attention being on them is the most essential step to noticing and reacting to their bids. This simple thing can dramatically alter the course of the relationship, so why not make it easier?
Positive Perspective and Conflict: Who starts a fight (and why pretty helps)
Here's where it becomes more important that the man is the pretty one. Research shows that 80% of the time women are the ones to bring up problems in a relationship. Dealing with problems is something inevitable in any relationship. How we handle them, and the conflict that may arise from them... Well, that's the tricky part.
When he's the pretty one, that admiration that can be summoned just by looking at him helps to create a positive perspective towards your partner. You notice the things they do well, because you watch them. And yes, watching them vacuum carefully can be the sexiest thing you've ever seen. You are more likely to notice all the good things they do, because you want to look at them, even when they're not doing anything special. And you're in a happy mood, so you are more likely to notice all the good things. Then all those good things add up in the emotional bank account, making problems and conflict easier to handle.
Looking at them with all that positive perspective, you want to go for a softened start-up. This already makes the upcoming conflict a lot easier. And during the fight, looking at them with affection and positive perspective you can more readily be open to, or initiate repair attempts.
And, while I cannot confirm this to be true in general, I know for me looking at pretty things, like my crush or kittens, calms me down and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Sometimes, in conflict, we can get flooded. When this happens, knowing to take time off to cool down is important, but soothing yourself is the hardest part. So, instead of finding a kitten to look at, smoosh your face into, or pet0... Wouldn't be easier if that source of calm, warmth and oxytocin is your partner? Even when you're a bit angry with them? Looking on their pretty face you may find you can't stay angry for long.
Dreams: Just look at their pretty face when they're happy!
Someone who is honouring or following their dreams is generally happier. It's not just because they’re being true to themselves, but because they’re moving toward what really matters to them. And don’t you want to see your partner happy? Like, all the time? After all, they’re even prettier when they’re happy. Isn’t it lovely to see their pretty face when they’re glowing? That proud smile when they’ve taken a step closer to their dream? Or you appreciate their achievement? Just seeing them follow what matters to them can make you happy, too.
Honouring your partner’s dreams can be difficult. These dreams may differ from yours and will inevitably generate conflict. There’s normal, chances are your dreams won't match. In fact, unless you’re dating your clone, they most probably won’t. But they don't need to. Just the core ones do. But, the sheer fact that you want to see them happy, makes it easier to do the hard thing and sit down to look for solutions. To figure out how you can both move toward your dreams, even when they’re not the same, or they seem like they are opposites. It doesn’t mean giving up on your dreams for theirs. It means solving the puzzle of how to honour them both. Together. With your gorgeous partner.
Love Maps and Shared Meaning: Can't get enough of pretty
On opposite ends of the Sound relationship house are Love Maps and Shared Meaning. Yet I see them as intrinsically related. Love Maps are about what is important to them. And Shared Meaning is what is important to you and them. Love Maps is knowing them. And to me Shared Meaning is about creating that space where you can continue to know them, through the relationship. I don't know about you, but when I am attracted to someone, I want to learn more about them. From the simple things like: what kind of food do they like, what is their favourite game, how do they relax, what could they do for hours without getting tired or bored; to the bigger things like: what is important to them, their story, their wants and desires... Maybe I just like the sound of their voice. But even with friends, I find that I love hearing them talk about what they’re excited about, and I get excited about it too and end up remembering quite a bit, even if I individually have no interest in that hobby... so maybe this one's not a matter of pretty...
To me Shared Meaning is using everything you learn about them to build something together. Because you want to keep them in your life. You want to keep knowing them as they grow. You want to wake up to them every morning. You want to come home to them. You want to have them in your life for the big things and the small ones. Because just their presence is enough to make you feel better, happier, safer, warmer... The more you want them in your life, the more that Shared Meaning almost builds itself.
Seriously though, Beauty is Subjective
Go on any part of the internet nowadays, and you'll inevitably run into a bunch of incels complaining how women only want to date the top 1% of men in looks and salaries. Because, of course, that is easier to believe than working on yourself, but alas... Even if we were to consider 1% of looks, my 1% will be very different from somebody else's.
To illustrate, here’s an actual conversation that happened:
A (knows my crush): But he’s actually incredibly shy.
Me: Yeah... Which is surprising considering how he looks...
B (A’s friend): What does he look like?
Me: Gorgeous.
A: I wouldn’t go that far...
Me: I would.
In terms of looks, I would say, to me, he's in the 1e-7% of men in terms of looks. Probably higher since I can think of 1 maybe 2 other people (including celebrities) that compare1. Because pretty is not about ratios, beauty standards or perfection. Pretty is about how you feel when you look at them. Pretty is about how he pulls your gaze whenever he is near. Pretty is the warmth you feel in your heart whenever you see him. Pretty is about looking at what others may consider imperfection and seeing perfection. There is no formula for pretty.
True, there are things that universally affect pretty. But they're simple things. Like basic hygiene2. While I hate beards personally, a beard can look pretty to the right person, but even so, it needs frequent grooming and styling to do so. Women like a whole variety of body types and characteristics, but one still needs to take care of that body and be healthy. In my opinion, pretty is more influenced by the way you smile, and the way you look at others than any measurable metric or change you can obtain in a plastic surgeon's office... To someone who finds you pretty, you can still look pretty even when your face is all strained up3.
Permission to be a little vain
Notice how I never mentioned the male perspective on the woman being the pretty one? Well, that's because men don't need permission to only be interested in dating pretty. This has been so normalised for men, that this has never even been a question.
Yet, women are constantly told to lower their standards. Not only in looks, but in everything else. We are told to give a chance to the "ugly" boy because he'll be nicer to us. But here's the thing, the insecure "ugly" ones, they're not usually any nicer. In fact, some are even more cruel. They will soothe their insecurity by dragging you down, and making you feel small. So, date someone you actually find pretty and attractive. You'll have a better relationship because of it. They may be rare, but it's not because of competition. What you and your friend find attractive may very well be diametrically opposed. And, it's ok if someone who meets all your standards is rare, you only need one person. So, if you still need permission, here it is: You can seek to marry someone pretty. It's good for you, according to science.
0 Which may be especially difficult if your lease does not allow pets...
1 Yeah, I've got it bad...
2 I have not met a girl who doesn't prefer a man who takes care of himself. Coming from London one learns how to appreciate it as it is very rare. The government works against us here. It recommends people shower less than once a day... And if you look at how men are taught to shower in the UK... yeah, basic hygiene is incredibly rare.
3 I think we can all collectively agree, without any body-shaming, that that expression is in fact, universally, not, to put it gently, supposed to be beautiful.