It's Valentine's Day. For me, it's a bittersweet holiday, not because I am single, but because of the things I need to reflect on. Looking back, I realize the first massive red flag in my past relationship happened on this very day. And yet, I ignored it. If there was ever a moment that defined my entire relationship, it was this one.
That first Valentine’s Day, I planned everything—a homemade dinner, homemade vanilla ice cream, and a chocolate soufflé that came out perfect0. He just ate and we talked. Then he laughed at the idea that he might have brought me flowers and got me to agree to how ridiculous that would have been... Right?
I told myself it was fine. I didn’t need flowers. I enjoyed my soufflé. It was a pleasant evening. After all, I made it one. I had created my ideal Valentine’s date through my own effort. And after all, why be bothered by what other people can't or won’t do, if I can do it for myself? Be what you want to see in the world! Empowerment, right?
The question for me to answer was -- what led me to accept this behaviour, and most importantly how do I make sure I don't repeat the same mistake? The answer came to me in the form of this mantra: Just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
And I don't mean it in the Jurassic Park sense. (...though it does fit...)
I am talking about relationships with others. Strong independent women do attract people who do not want to put in the effort, because honestly, we can do it all ourselves, and for them too. It's not that they love us, it's that they feel comfortable around us. That is not the same thing1. So, it is up to us to not settle for people who will disappear as soon as things get hard. Even if that means not doing things, or putting up with things we are 100% able to do or handle.
A year and a half into being single, I realized that even at my loneliest, I still wasn't as lonely as I had been in that relationship. As my ex pointed out at the end of our relationship I used to be so full of life, so confident and capable when we started dating, and I had lost it2. I had lost it in a need to prove myself. I had lost it in the struggle to meet all my needs and somebody else's. I had lost it in prioritising their needs over mine. I got stuck thinking I needed somebody, when they weren't even meeting my needs. All because I could... until I couldn't anymore.
And, hey, if this past year has shown me anything is just how capable I am on my own.
I can figure out pretty much anything on my own. I have the capacity to hold onto quite a lot of mental load, and people have often been surprised at how much I observe now that I started verbalising it. I have managed some pretty big feats through my own wits, from Oxford, to moving to Korea within 4 months of deciding to do so. All of that while learning the language and changing careers, to name a few... Throw a problem at me and I will figure it out. In my last relationship, that meant when my partner didn't want to handle something I had no issue picking it up. I even ended up monitoring his moods, to predict when he would get overwhelmed, so I could help him manage.
But just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
In my next relationship, it may require a lot of effort not to naturally assume the mental load just because it naturally registers. I may be able to plan an entire trip, or all the dates with only confirmation needed, but I shouldn't. Even if that means the date will never be planned. Instead of planning the date instead, let it be. Maybe they eventually pick up the slack... Or maybe they don't, and we never end up going to that omakase restaurant. I don't need to phone them up myself. And if it turns out that way there are no more dates... well... that should be a sign to walk away.
I lift weights. I have been living on my own for a while. I can carry heavy suitcases. I am still uncomfortable when my taxi driver struggles to lift my 25kg suitcase while I can just pick it up. They didn't sign up for that... I can open all my pickle jars. And I can climb up the counter to reach the highest shelf to get said pickle jar3.
But just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
In my next relationship, I should let him carry my suitcases just because it's the nice thing to do. I will ask him to open the pickle jar for me, even if I can do it. If he has a vertical advantage, he should use it at all times. It's the Gottman's Orange Peel Theory. Yes, I am strong enough to do it. Being single has reminded me I can do everything I need, and where I can't I will hire professional help anyway (a partner would likely not change the need to hire help). But that doesn't mean I should still continue doing everything even when there are two of us now. Or worse, do everything for the both of us.
I have dealt with a lot of abuse and jokes at my expense. As such, I can handle quite a lot of disrespect. I have had people say awful things to my face, and behind my back. I have had them judge me for things I was not. I’ve had people mock my likes (K-pop, K-dramas, anime, lifting, fantasy novels, romance novels...) and dislikes (garlic, the heat, spicy food, garlic... garlic deserves to be here twice). I have had my needs mocked... And I took it all in my stride.
Yeah, I don't need flowers, but wanting them should have been enough. I can deal with being told I am ugly, after all, there are other things in life even if I am. The older I got, the more I could take. If I was called emotional for reacting, I learned how not to react instead of questioning their behaviour.
But just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
In my next relationship, I should leave at the first sign of disrespect. If they ignore my needs after I express them, they have every right. But that person can't meet my needs, therefore I should not be there, in the first place.
I can deal with a lot of neglect. I have plenty going in my life to distract me. And I have a very vivid imagination, one that allows me to imagine the love that I need. Being single I realised I can satisfy my needs to a pretty decent extent. I can love myself, and ultimately that is the main thing that I need. I can turn my needs to wants, and fulfill them for myself. I can shoulder quite a lot of turmoil, and soothe myself.
But just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
If I am in a relationship, that person should want to be there for me. Not because I need them to, because most of the time I won't, but because they want to. I should let them, too. Just because I can meet my own needs, if they don't step up, maybe they aren't the ones for me. Because there will always be times when we can't be fully independent like when we are sick. I know I can show up for people when they need me, so why should I stay with someone who runs away at the first sign of illness.
Who knows, I am happy where I am. I moved countries, I am changing careers to do what I like, I have the time to explore my creative inclinations, and I finally got back into the gym, properly. But that is not the energy I want to bring into dating anymore. Because just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
I know the kind of love I can bring to myself and to a relationship now, better than I ever did before. And I don't want to be with someone who can't match me. I shouldn't have to beg to be told that they love me, because that should come as easily as breathing. They wouldn't need to tell me, but they'd want to. They'd want to help me out, and they'd want to be there for me. It's not about who chases who, but running alongside each other. Each of us pushing ahead, but not leaving the other behind. So no, I won’t settle. I’d rather be running alongside someone who chooses me as much as I choose them, rather than slowing down for someone who just wanted to be pulled along for the ride.
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0 Which, if you know anything about cooking, is incredibly difficult. And this, folks, was an outright miracle, because, I later discovered I had incorrectly translated the recipe from the French book my flat mate had. And it came out better than following the recipe, which failed. I have been unable to replicate it since.
1 As much as my ex tried to convince me of the contrary, so as not to have to say "I love you".
2 I wonder what changed, buddy? Huh, any ideas?
3 Yes, I am vertically challenged. I have been climbing up counters to reach the top shelves since I can remember, so I am basically a goat. Turns out it's a very transferable skill for bouldering. Disclaimer: do not try this at home, it is very dangerous.