Korea: After the Honeymoon

It's around 6 months since I moved to Korea. This number is significant because, on average, 6 months is how long the honeymoon period lasts⁰, as such I think it is a good point to sit down and do a check-in to see how things are going. Think of it as the planning and retrospective meeting we have every half at work.

Initial period of limerence

I do think it is possible to feel limerence for a city, and not just a person. I felt it, and friends have told me they have experienced it. New York and Seoul have been the only cities I have felt it for¹. While for New York the attachment to the city dissipated eventually, I have yet to feel that way for Seoul. With New York, while I still love the city, and feel comfortable and nostalgic whenever I visit, it will always be a city I would love to spend a limited time in, but I do not see myself living in.

The core of limerence, that makes it what it is, is the uncertainty that the limerent object wants you back. There may be a question of how could a city want you back. To which I would ask how does it feel to be wanted back? To me, it's the feeling of being accepted and belonging. A city can do that, you can be accepted, and belong to the community of that city, or a community within that city. When I came here on holiday, there was the uncertainty of whether I could make it here (visa, etc...), and, after arriving, whether I could belong, while knowing full well I would never fit in. While the feeling of uncertainty with my visa² remains, I do think matters have settled enough to call the limerence gone. And the verdict? I still want to be here.

In a relationship 69% of problems are perpetual problems

The Gottman Institute is the leading institute doing evidence based relationship research in the world right now³. They have found that the majority of problems in a relationship are perpetual problems. The number they give is 69%⁴. Because of this, Dr John Gottman says "Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems". I believe the same holds true when choosing a country, a city, a society, a company... While the percentage may be different⁵, I think in all regards the same thinking can be applied.

I met a Korean person over dinner with a few people, and he said that he's always surprised when foreigners have all these good things to say about Korea when he couldn't think of any when the topic came up. He could think of bad things, like the hierarchy, the work culture, and the drinking culture, but he said the good things would never come to mind. At the same time, he seemed to think we only see the good things when that's what we lead with. And maybe that is true about some people. I also feel like those are the same people who leave after the honeymoon period is over.

Appreciating all the good things, doesn't mean being blind to the problems. In fact, I think we all see the issues. As immigrants, we may even be more aware of it than most, because we thought about it enough to make a choice to come here. But here's the thing, every country has its problems. It's about choosing the ones that one can live with. In a country there are some problems you can solve with time, either through voting, community building, activism, or personal adaptations. The language is still a problem for me, but I fully believe in a few years it will be better, and given enough time it may disappear. And there's problems that are all about paying attention and seeing which way things are trending⁶.

That being said, some problems will be forever, or at least for our lifespan. For example, South Korea has the worst gender pay gap among the 38 member countries of the OECD according to 2022 data. While this has been slowly improving, the gap remains. I am not blind to the fact nor the implications. In fact, this was one of the arguments I had against moving here. While I work freelance with clients outside of Korea, it does not impact me. This only reduces the impact of the problem at the moment, but my circumstances could always change in the future, and it is something I am aware of.

But we don't always choose where to live

And in the era of arranged marriages people didn't always choose who they married. Yes, most people are likely to live in the country, if not the city, they were born in. But, in a time of globalisation and global mobility, the choice becomes more and more visible. In my coaching, and in my own life, I believe we always have a choice. Every choice has consequences, and we may fail to see something as a choice because those consequences are so undesirable that we cannot see ourselves ever making it. It's still a choice. Even when we don't think about it, we inadvertently choose to stick to the status quo. That too is a choice.

Just like there are stories of successful arranged marriages (partner chosen by the family), so there are people who are happy to live where they are born (country chosen by the family). And just as there are people whose marriages come to an end, so can one's life in a particular place. I think the difference may be that one can choose to stay single, but one needs to live someplace⁷.

How we handle these perpetual problems is one of the biggest determinants of success in a relationship. One might argue "But with a partner you can converse and convince them to change, so it's different". While I understand the view, I disagree with that being a useful way to act in a relationship. I tried it, it doesn't work. I agree with the Gottmans that unless there are major incompatibilities⁸ or major issues⁹, all relationships are salvageable, but one needs to first accept their partner as they are. It's arguably easier to do that for a country than for a person.

The conclusions of the retrospective

In my post on decisions and change, I talk about proportional commitment to decisions. Even there I equate it to a relationship, and like you don't decide you'll marry someone after the first date, there are certain points where different levels of commitment become appropriate. Having lived in Seoul for 6 months now, I have reached an equilibrium in my life. This means I can sit down and think about how things are going more clearly. There is still a long way for me to go to full balance, but that has more to do with the other moving elements in my life at the moment. It is however enough for me to know that of all the decisions I have made in the last year, it is the one I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was a success. I want to stay, and I am committed to making it work, be it language learning, studying the culture, or exploring the more difficult alternatives to possible visa options in the future. I probably won't consider being "married" to this country until I have permanent residency, but for now, I am ready to make the commitment, and the financial investments that may come with it.

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⁰ Though there are some studies that suggest it can last for as long as 2 years.

¹ One won't feel limerence for every place they live in or even visit. With London, despite living there for about 7 years, I never felt it. I may have even felt the opposite of limerence, if such a thing exists, when I visited for 1 day during my first year of university.

² I know there's still a year and a half left on my visa, but I am still anxious.

³ Yes, I am a fan. And I had to really hold myself back from gushing about them more than this.

⁴ This research is presented in every book I have read written by the Gottmans, as well as their courses. I don't know which one to attribute it to, but The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the most famous.

⁵ Alas, I am not about to start doing extensive research on this subject.

⁶ If how busy Pride was in Seoul is any indication, Korea is moving slowly towards acceptance of the LGBT+ community. Whereas the US, which was historically more LGBT friendly, has been moving in the opposite direction in recent years.

⁷ Then would the equivalent of staying single be like nomadcy or becoming a hermit? Am I taking the analogy too far?

⁸ In a relationship wanting a child could be one. If one partner wants them, and another doesn't there's no compromise possible. If I were to find a similar incompatibility I would choose maybe the weather? Like the permanently gloomy weather of England that I know has taken the toll on many a foreigner's mental health. Or Norway's all day winter nighttimes, or all day summer sunlight are something that are difficult on some people.

⁹ In a relationship domestic violence would be such an example. In a country war and genocides could be equivalents.