When Crush Turns to Like

A while back I wrote this post on how to deal with crushes, more specifically gym crushes. Though, it would be more accurate to say I claim that you do not deal with said crush, and it will just go away, so enjoy it while it lasts. Here I am, over 5 months later, and the crush is still going strong(er). Then, a friend came to me a while back to tell me about their crush, I listened to them tell me about it and then told them to ask their crush out. Seeing people actually reading my gym crush post, I have been feeling like the biggest hypocrite of them all. But then it hit me... Thinking about my friend... There's a difference between a crush and a like(for lack of a better word).

Definitions

A Crush = Being attracted to someone for no particular reason, usually just physical or the idea they represent. The idea of them could often be easily replaced by someone else or a celebrity⁰. Ultimately, as I mention in my original post, a crush is rarely about the person, but about the fantasies we project on them.

A Like = This is genuinely liking someone. You know them, you notice them, and all those things you learn about them, you genuinely like. You like them for who you know them to be, the interactions you witness or have with them, all of them. It's about how they act. It's liking them when you know things about them, and liking those things you know¹. In other words, it's actually about them, irreplaceable them.

When does a crush stop being a crush?

In my blog post, I said to enjoy a crush while it lasts because they usually don’t. You learn a thing and then another and eventually that crush fades because one thing happens², and it ruins the fantasy. But then, what if it doesn’t. What if you see them every day for months and the crush is still there? Arguably, I didn't lie when I said it will go away... I failed to mention the possibility of actually, well... liking them.

So, when does crush turn to like? There is not one moment for everyone, but there is always a moment. It will be clear in retrospect, but not when it happens³. But here are some questions to ask in order to check:

• What have you learned about them in this time?
• What do you know about them?
• What have your interactions looked like?

Now, are those answers enough to form a relatively 3 dimensional character if you were to read them in a novel? And you like all those things you listed there about them? Well... have I got bad news for you... that crush is no longer a crush but a like⁴.

My own personal caveat

The one thing I am personally very careful about is only having witnessed my crush in a professional environment. While this may not seem like a problem, my experience has taught me that who you like in a professional setting may not actually be who you like. However, if you think about it this applies to every scenario, even private ones. Even if you know them personally, unless you are in a relationship with a person, you can't really tell how they will be as partners. Someone may be emotionally available for friendship but not relationships. So they are lovely as friends, but terrible partners.

I will admit, I am letting my fear of repeating my last relationship inform my opinion here. Thus I am being extra weary of people I only know in professional settings. Because I will struggle to accept what I have seen as true. I met my ex at work, and I kept running into him. I could see him from my desk and I saw how much effort he put into everything he did, how kind he was to his intern, how warm he was with his colleagues... and I took that to be his personality. I did ask him out after crushing on him for a few good months… and well… he was nothing like that as a partner. But, because I have seen him like that for so long, it was easier for me to believe I was the one doing something wrong. That he was kind, I just didn’t deserve his kindness. Kind of stupid now that I write it down.

What do we do with a like?

I used to be the kind of person who once a crush turned to like would just ask them out. Simple, right? Worked 2/2 times... depending on your definition of worked... because neither were good relationships that met my needs⁵. The first one ended up being more suited to being friends, as we talked more after we broke up. The second one was downright abusive. Nowadays, I don’t think I have the same courage/recklessness anymore.

That being said, over a month ago a friend came to me to tell me about their crush. I so love these stories. After listening it was clear to me they actually liked the person. And more over, there were signs that that person liked them back. I told them to ask them out. I think that is always my advice in that situation, provided it isn't inappropriate for other reasons.

If you need a boost, find yourself a friend⁶ who will be excited about you telling them about your crush. They will be the best ones to tell you if you actually like them, or it's just a crush. Also, they are the best ones to tell you if you have a chance. We can sometimes be our worst critics, and be completely blind to any advances someone may make towards us because of it. Our friends are our friends because they see the good things in us, therefore the things this person may like. They can be the greatest boost in confidence, and our biggest wake up call too. Because they know us.

Then it’s up to you to analyse the risk. Prepare for them rejecting you, and hope that they may like you back. If you ask them out, and they say no, make sure nothing changes for them. After all, they did not ask for your confession. People are allowed to not like us back, and honestly that is a good way to get over a crush, even if it is a bit painful. As my therapist taught me “if they don’t want me, I don’t want them”.

And if they say yes, take it from there. Get to know them, confirm or dismiss things you thought you knew about them. Find out if you’re compatible in the first place. You may both like each other, but want different things. That’s ok too. Even so, wouldn’t you have made a connection with someone special along the way?

Arguably the most important thing is... do not make it weird⁷. For me giving compliments feels weird⁸. But that doesn't mean the other person would feel weird. In fact, I truly believe we don't compliment each other enough. Did anyone ever compliment you on your hard work, and you thought they were annoying? Did anyone ever compliment you on your skills, and you thought they were being rude? If someone told you they thought you were cute, would you be offended? I thought so⁹... Liking someone could be just that, a compliment. Doesn't imply or require anything more.

The Advice I will not follow

Despite how obvious it is to me that if you like someone the obvious thing to do is tell them... that seems to be only advice I can give and not receive. It really is the only rational move. But emotions are not rational. But just because the solution is both obvious and simple, it doesn't make it any easier. Maybe I need a friend to help me do the rational thing. Or maybe I just wait¹⁰. If it starts with a crush, it's already a slow burn. If they like me back, I can hopefully love myself enough to believe that won't change. And if they don't, it doesn't really matter in the first place, does it?

Maybe, one day, I will be able to gather my courage and my words to say something. But as we say to the god of death… not today¹¹.

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⁰ Hence why one of the easiest ways to get over a crush is to crush on somebody else.

¹ Thus, I would go as far as to argue you cannot have a crush on a friend. You know them, and like them.

² I believe this is colloquially known as the ICK.

³ For me, it was bringing me coffee unexpectedly exactly when I needed some kindness the most. Took me a few months to admit it though.

⁴ Congratulations, you have now unlocked the next level of romantic masochism.

⁵ Major understatement for the latter...

⁶ This is not someone who will judge you, and they will genuinely enjoy hearing about you getting all excited about someone.

⁷ You know... like writing a whole blog post and sharing it with the internet because apparently that's a thing normal people do...

⁸ So much so, I used to exclusively compliment people behind their back. I would tell people to their face what I disliked about them, but compliment them behind their back. I have grown since. Though I still keep some compliments to myself.

⁹ Actually, I don’t know the answer to the last one, never happened. But the others I can say with confidence the answer is no. In fact, I think fondly of those rare moments.

¹⁰ Who am I kidding, this isn't a maybe. At this rate I'll have written a book before I work up the courage to say "Hi" properly.

¹¹ Instead, today I am writing this post to further justify to myself why I won't do anything about this, and continue to keep my poker face... which I hope I have... cluck cluck cluck.🐔