Gaslighter's Guide to Escaping Responsibility

⚠️ Content Warning: This post contains examples of emotional abuse, coercion, sexual manipulation, and trauma-related language, written in a satirical voice. This is aimed at helping survivors name subtle forms of harm. Read with care.

Have you ever wanted someone to do something without telling them, so that it's not your fault if it goes wrong, or they don't like it? Perhaps you have wanted to change a romantic partner to better meet your wants and needs, but you didn't want to seem like a villain. Well, look no further. You have found the guide on how to do so without ever saying anything about it. Thus, it can not be traced to you. The best part, you don't even need to engage in unseemly behaviours, like physical violence. This sure-fire method will leave you guilt free, and most of the time, with sufficient cognitive reframing, you won't even need to lie. Your conscience will be perfectly clean.

While this guide focuses on romantic partners, some of these strategies may work on your subordinates, colleagues or friends. Of course, their level of attachment to you will determine how much they will put up with. Similarly, with a romantic partner it is essential that you generate attachment first. This may mean being on your best behaviour for a while, but worry not, it does not take long. If you've found yourself a people pleaser, you may find it takes no time at all⁰.

Changing something about them: Physically

Featuring the example of having them cut their hair short

You may not like something about your partner physically. Worry not, often you can change that. However, you do not want to ask them to do it for you. Of course not, that would be mean. And not only that, but open it to them to express a preference over you do it or portray yourself. Alas, you want to change them and not yourself. If you ask, it will be clear that they are doing it for you, and you don't want that, you'd be owing them thanks. Moreover, wouldn't it hurt if they said no? This method is far more effective in getting them to change without you even being considered the cause.

I shall show an example on how to do this with getting your partner to cut their hair short. Perhaps you want them to look more masculine to fit your ideal type. Perhaps you just have a vendetta against long hair. While these examples are specific, you can easily translate them to other physical attributes like your preference for body hair, piercings, boob size, the way they dress, whether they wear make up, etc...

So, without further ado, here are some actions you can take to further your goal.

Phase 1: Before they cut their hair

• Complain passively. "Your hair got in my eye again", "Whenever I hug you like this, your hair gets in my mouth, can we move?" (this works particularly well if the hugging position is something they like)
• Let discomfort do the work. Rest your arm on their hair in bed, so when they move, it tugs and hurts them. Obtain items that would make it uncomfortable, zippers and long hair often don't mix. And your watch strap could be your greatest ally.
• Casually note on the disadvantages of their current choices. "Must be hot in summer with long hair"
• Never compliment their hair, if it's not to your preference. Even if they put in a lot of effort into styling it, a nonchalant "it's ok", or "Oh, I didn't notice" would be enough to drive the point home without you actively having to lie and say it looks awful.
• See if they ever did the thing you want them to do in the past. A picture may just be enough to start going into phase 2.

Phase 2: After they cut their hair

• Only compliment the change. Being scarce with your compliments enables you to more easily enforce the behaviours you want. If you only compliment them when they cut their hair short, it will have more of a kick.
• Light up when they come from the barber. You want them to associate the praise to the trigger you desire as closely as possible.
• Stroke their short hair often, and point out how nice it feels. Your partner will appreciate the affection and the head pets, and will grow to associate it with having short hair.
• Reminisce about the past. If their hair grows long again, point out the old photos and point out how good it looked on them, how sexy it was. With your scarce compliments this shows them what they are missing out on.
• Especially in the awkward growth phase of their hair you can point out how weird it is. They won't disagree because it is universally true. So, you are not being mean.

Soon enough, you will have trained the change you wanted, all without ever asking for it. Therefore, relinquishing all responsibility. And, if they call you out on it, note that none of those steps include saying that you wanted them to cut their hair. They did that of their own free will. You never said anything.

Changing something about them: As a Person

Featuring the example of the gym

While you may feel comfortable asking them to make physical changes, you can't do that for a hobby, interest or something that is essential to their identity. Or, can you? Some may say, you could just walk away and find someone who you are more compatible with. But, who has the time for that? And, by some luck, you have found this person who likes you, and wants to make you happy. This method is a lot less effort than dating anyway. As you've noticed in the step above, you will continue to be able to say "But I never asked you to _______", "I never told you to ________", "You only did ________ because you wanted to".

So, this hobby of theirs is inconvenient to you. Or maybe, it just makes them less available to you when you want them. It's not that they don't have time for you, but why should you wait until they also become available? Worry not, you can always make it more difficult or less appealing for them to continue. And who knows, maybe, like smoking, it's something that's bad for them. You're just taking care of them. In this example, the hobby you want them to drop is the gym. You may like how they look as a result of it, but the time commitment and lifestyle changes it comes with are just so inconvenient. And, if they ask you if it bothers you, the fact that you like how they look because of the gym will allow you to be truthful when you vocally encourage them to go to the gym. "Of course you should get back to the gym, you loved it!". This way you look like a supportive partner. Note however, that it makes no mention of when. Plus, it further pushes responsibility away from you.

Here are some steps:

• Undermine their progress. "Oh, I was expecting you to be able to lift more." Just with mild surprise. You don't want to sound condescending. Be interested when they explain the difference between absolute weight and percentage of body-weight.
• Question their commitment. "Do you really need to go 6 days a week? And for 2 hours? Isn't that a bit much". You may even phrase it as concern to their health "I am just worried that it may be exercise addiction." You can further drive the point home by offering examples like "X only does one hour max at the gym, and he looks ripped, maybe you're over-training and thus don't see progress.", or "Y goes only 3 days a week and gets all the same benefits".
• Make your availability unpredictable. Do not accommodate their gym schedule. If they want to meet you, they will need to shift their schedule. Start simple, just have them finish a session 15 minutes early to meet you for a show you bought tickets for. After all, the show times are not decided by you. They can't pin that on you.
• Make them see a pleasant alternative. "Oh I just thought it would be nice to spend the entire weekend in bed... you know...". Don't worry, there is no need to follow through, it was just an unrealistic fantasy anyway. We all like to talk about our dreams.
• Show disgust at the things related to it. "How can you drink that horrible protein shake?"
• Make use of natural disturbances in their schedule. Maybe their gym closed down, and they need to find a new one, or you are going on holiday for a week and your hotel does not have a gym. Breaks in habits are harder to recover from. During that time, make sure to point out how nice it is to have more time to spend together. And point out all the other benefits, just like you complimented them on the short hair.
• Disturb their schedule. If they attempt to go back to the gym, message them some heavy stuff while they're at the gym. Bonus points if it's something that may make them cry.

Are you worried they may gain weight if they stop going to the gym? Well, that is awfully forward-thinking of you to worry about the consequences and side effects of your desired changes. But worry not, you can always comment on how much or what they are eating instead, in order to help them maintain a good figure.

True, they may lose their spark along the way. After all, this was an important part of their identity. That erosion will take time, so it won’t be traced back to you. If you succeeded, take that as a sign you are now free to optimise your gains in the relationship. Eventually, they will become depressed for giving up something essential to them, but, in the meantime, you can focus on getting all that you want from the relationship without giving much in return. The eventual break-up won't be a problem anyway, because it will take time. And this wasn't your forever person in the first place, you wouldn't have had to change so much if they were.

How not to be the bad guy

How to get them to break up with you first, and meet your needs in the meantime

Let's be honest, you're in this relationship because it's convenient and comfortable to you. You've made changes in their behaviour and appearances to suit your desires, but you know this won't last. But, breaking up is such a hard thing to do... and you'll be seen as the bad guy... Easier to just get them to do it for you. And the best part is, you will get to meet all your needs along the way, without putting in much unwanted effort. Will it eventually stop working? Yes, but you'd be surprised how long a people pleaser can go on for. Especially if they have a loyal disposition. And then when it ends, you can comfortably paint them to be the bad guy.

Creating the illusion of the relationship they want, i.e. love, while getting what you want is the goal. The effort to maintain that illusion will be surprisingly small. Depending on your comfort with lying, you may be able to tell them you love them and not really mean it. But, I did promise this guide will not require you to do anything morally questionable like lying. You need only look at the words of philosophers like Haddaway "What is Love?" or Foreigner "I wanna know what love is" for examples on how to avoid lying, never saying "I love you", while also seeming incredibly romantic and thoughtful. And the affection your partner seeks? Well you can offer it whenever you want affection, on your terms.

Let's look at the main tenets on how to optimise your relationship.

Gaslighter's Guide to Couple's Therapy

Some of you may fear a therapist may figure out your behaviours and put a stop to the relationship. Quite the opposite. Being in couple's therapy gives you further proof that your partner wants to put in effort to make the relationship work. That means you still have time to use them. Further, the therapist may be your greatest ally. A therapist's job is usually to help the relationship survive. They probably won't if there's Domestic Violence, but you don't do those heinous things. You're safe. You don't need to use violence anyway. So, use couple's therapy as a way for your partner to learn how to treat you better. Yes, they may teach them to express their needs better, but you can always bring up phrases like "I can't read your mind" or "You never said it like that" or "It wasn't that clear when you said it before" if they ever call you out in therapy. Remember, you can always ask for more clarity.

Showing some reluctance towards couples' therapy at first will help you go for a cheaper therapist. Which means they are likely less experienced. This will work in your favour. If your partner expresses concern over the therapist, whether they are a good couple's therapist, remind them they don't have any credentials and the therapist does, and to trust the process.

Gaslighter's Guide to Sex

Let's start with the best part. Sex. It's probably the main reason you stayed in the relationship, right? But it can be tiring if you have to reciprocate. Worry not, this guide will also help you achieve the best sex for you.

• Teach them how you like it. Especially when you have a people pleaser on your hands, they will love to see you enjoy yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy it. They will love it.
• Don't praise them too much. You want to keep them on their toes, make sure you compare them with past sexual partners. Tell them someone gave you better head, if they ask you if it's good. If they are a people pleaser, they probably will. But, if they ask how they could do it better, be vague, they'll try harder anyway. Especially if it's already pleasurable as they do it. Pointing out their shortcomings will just make them want to try harder and more often.
• Don't reciprocate. Activities that are there only for your partner's pleasure are annoying. But worry not, people have invented weaponised incompetence particularly for these use cases. Complain that your mouth or hands are uncomfortable a lot. Make bored or disgusted faces. Chances are they will ask you to stop. If they still persist, and they try and teach you how to do it better for them, make a point of being obtuse about the instructions. Instead, try and make it as unpleasant as possible within the error margins of their instructions. Rest easy that many people have gotten "harder" and "faster" confused, and use that to your advantage. Soon, it will be so uncomfortable and painful they won't ask you to reciprocate.
• TW: Sexual coercion

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Gaslighter's Guide to the Easy Life

Here are a few tips on how to have them impact your life as little as possible.

• Never ever accept influence. It may seem simple, like them telling you to steam the dumplings for the 10 minutes it says on the package. Pretty reasonable, but you know better, 5 minutes is enough. And even if they make a good argument, it’s not about the dumplings. First, you give in to the dumplings, next thing you upend your life to suit their needs. Best to avoid that slippery slope.
• Double standards. They should always give you your space. If they don't, make a point about them being dependent on you, and how space is healthy, make sure they know you're upset. To optimise this, never mention for how long you will be unavailable to them. That way, they stay there waiting for you, ready when you need them. If they however take that time to have their own space, that take longer than you took, or they just generally need some space, even for 30 minutes, make sure to suddenly need to do something that disturbs it. Like practicing the drums for the first time in 6 months. Or finally installing those shelves in the room they are working in, that you said you would 3 months ago, but never got round to it. Or just ask for affection and cuddles, after all they wouldn’t be so cruel, especially after you hit them with the puppy eyes. They need affection just as much as you do, and if you need less affection in general than they do, they'll always be starving when you're in want of affection.
• Use them as a boost of confidence. Imagine if they have some stress at work, and they vent to you about a colleague. Remember to keep the moral high ground and point out how you don't know both sides of the story. If you can think of a solution, you can feel just so much better about yourself and how smart you are. But sometimes, their success may harm that. Worry not. They value your opinion. You don’t even need to say anything cruel either. Just make sure to show surprise when they get offered a very senior position after an interview. There's nothing wrong with surprise. If possible diminish the credentials of the company making the offer to explain away your surprise, after all you are just being logical. And there will always be companies who only want to hire them for junior positions to get a discount on 7 years of experience. Agree with them.
• Remember to breadcrumb. If they complain about you not planning a date, plan something quickly, it only takes 5 minutes. But don't spend more time than that. If the restaurant messages you say they are actually fully booked on the day you tried to book, accept it for what it is. You tried and it's the thought that counts. If your partner is sick or busy at work, offer to make them tea. You don't actually have to make them tea. If you don't want any tea, you can say you got distracted and forgot. If you want tea, you can still make some for yourself and not bring them any. You weren't sure they wanted any. When they said "Yeah", their diction was poor and could have been "Nah". Or you just misheard them.

Spotting the Emotional Abuse

It is my sincere hope that you read this for the satirical piece it really is. If it sounds angry, it's because I am. At a society that has normalised abuse by siding with the abuser. Where abuse needs to be loud. But even then, if you are hurt you need to do it quietly and with dignity. Otherwise, you were just hysterical. And thus an unreliable witness. But, if you can keep your composure, surely it wasn’t that bad. Even then, if there are bruises, forceful behaviour and even careless choking, people may still jump to defend the abuser and invoke a faux sexual positivity and kink.

To my dear people pleasers, if you recognised these examples in your own life, do not feel bad for not reacting to them when they happened. It’s not easy to see emotional abuse until you are out of the relationship. And don't blame yourself for falling for their "charms" or call yourself mean names like "stupid", "fool", "idiot"... Just because they never used physical or violent coercion to make you do things, doesn’t mean it wasn’t effective, or coercion. It may look like pouting, stonewalling, nagging, negging, or even a tantrum. None of it necessarily directed at you. But, you loved them, and didn’t want to see them in pain. This says more about your capacity to love, which is beautiful. And they cheapening it and exploiting it.

This behaviour is meant to designed to grow attachment. There was a study on rats where the researchers taught them to push a button to get food pellets. When they stopped giving food pellets, the rats eventually lost interest in the button. But, when the food pellets were rare and unpredictable, the rats became obsessed with the button. This is the type of obsession these behaviours engender and exploit. It is so instinctual in our mammalian brains it exists even in rats. So, this should give you a hint that escaping it is not going to be easy. Finding ways to step outside the situation may give us a chance to rationalise the behaviours, and analyse them for what they are. Third party perspectives might help. That’s why it’s a red flag if they get angry or disappointed when you talk to your friends about the details of the relationship. But even then, common friends may defend your partner's point of view, after all they don't want to be friends with an abuser. And who knows, in your re-tellings they may identify their own or their partner's problematic behaviour, and it may not be a truth they are ready to face.

All that remains is your own boundaries, being able to enforce them even when there’s pressure… even when there’s coercion… even when there is attachment... It's not easy, as people pleasers we were taught to dismantle those boundaries. Sometimes the hard way. With practice, we can get better. And remember, the goal isn't to stop at the first problematic behaviour. Just to stop before you have given too much of yourself. Because, regardless of what you may have been taught in the past, love should never require you to make yourself smaller.

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⁰ If you are curious how an abuser identifies such easy targets look no further than Gavin de Becker's Gift of Fear.