There has been a trend recently among all the self-help gurus and tiktokkers of vilifying external validation. Something like: "all your motivation to do something should be intrinsic, otherwise you are not going to do it. You are the only one responsible for how you feel, and needing someone, like a romantic partner, to validate you is unhealthy..."
While some advice is sound, especially when it encourages self reflection and authenticity (basically, don't do stuff just because you want someone to approve of you0), I feel like the discourse has evolved to a point where we're expected to not need any external validation from people. And all of that is said by a bunch of people monetising social media, selling books and gathering followers...
I cannot continue to go further without looking first, albeit briefly, at how external validation has evolved. This is something we are intrinsically wired to do from the moment we are born. Children look at their parents and primary caregivers as role models. Infants are sensitive to their parents' emotional cues, and as a result how they are treated by their parents and how their parents react to the world informs their view of the world.
Later, as teenagers, there are changes that happen in our brains that lead to us looking outside our homes for understanding social norms, thus making us more attuned to society in general. We seek to fit in with the people around us, that are not our parents. Humanity's greatest strength has been the societies we have been able to form, and these societies operate on rules. Some written, some not. And the ones that are not, we primarily have to look to others to validate our behaviours.
We see this in famous experiments like the Bystander Effect. Which further research has shown that it is less of a "people are evil" situation, and more of a "if nobody else is doing anything is this actually that bad" situation. We rely on the reactions of others to determine what our response should be. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. If we were to make a decision every single time something came up, regardless of how people react now, and importantly how people reacted in the past, then we would exhaust ourselves in thinking every single one of our actions. That is not very efficient.
We even have an emotion built in to handle when we have done something that would get external disapproval, or lose our external validation: guilt. Guilt is an emotion we feel when we do something that will negatively impact another. So we feel guilty about it. That guilt is a catalyst for us to change our behaviour. You can call it intrinsic or extrinsic, but ultimately, it helps us enact change that allows us to achieve external validation. Importantly, guilt is a good emotion, unlike shame, as stated more eloquently by the Dalai Lama in his book Beyond Religion.
In psychology, when something is called maladaptive, is when it starts hurting us. My favourite book on perfectionism talks about the differences between perfectionism and maladaptive perfectionism, so I will use the same distinction. Maladaptive external validation seeking occurs, in my opinion, when it becomes the only driving factor. Moreover, the guilt that is supposed to help us make better choices is turned to shame. We become ashamed of who we are, never being enough, trying to change who we are, not because of harming others or wanting something different, but because of shame telling us we, as people, are wrong somehow. There are many ways shame is brought upon us, but it's ultimately a learned emotion. Highly critical parents can be one, but there are so many ways in which shame has made its way into our lives. And ultimately we are only hurting ourselves.
Another example of maladaptive external validation is when we try to change something essential about us to please someone else. It could be obvious, like I am working out so X will be attracted to me1, or more subtle, when there are small concessions after concessions you make in order to please somebody or a group of people. These could very well be intentional from the external validator. Whether that is an abusive partner, a toxic workplace, or a cult...
This is a warning for the hyper-independent2, because the idea of never having to rely on the validation of others is intoxicatingly sweet for us. Others may face the same issues, but we are particularly prone to this one.
One of the spaces the "no external validation" discourse has gotten a lot of traction, at least according to my For You page3 has been in the dating space. We should not need a partner to tell us we're pretty or loved, etc... But isn't it nice? And we do need it sometimes. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And if we want to see ourselves as attractive it's pretty difficult if we don't match what we are attracted to4. So, what's the pitfall? This content teaches us not to seek this validation. When this validation is given freely, maybe that's not a problem. But, sometimes we meet people who will refuse to give any such validation, even when begged. This messaging teaches us we're in the wrong for wanting that, so we stay in a shitty relationship where the other person doesn't even like or love us5. It is not weak to need that, we all need that, sometimes more than other times...
And if therapy has taught me anything, independence is not the lack of having this need of validation. And when you add hyper to it, it's more like having this need for external validation, usually bigger that your average well-adjusted individual, shoving it in a box, and then covering your ears and shouting loudly whenever you pass by the box, or you need to shove another ignored need in there.
People with sociopathic tendencies may lack the typical need for external validation, but emulating that kind of detachment from others isn’t healthy or desirable. I feel like trying to emulate that behaviour is akin to seeking ignorance because "ignorance is bliss". Do we really want to be ignorant?
But, if we truly do not seek the validation of others we cannot interact with human society. Think of this in a work context. There is a reason why the most important expectation of a manager is to deliver feedback. Even when it seems like we know what we are doing, we could be wrong. This is so much more important when starting to work in a new role. While we may have done the role before in a different company, values and priorities may not align. We all want to hit the ground running, but if we don't have a direction we may very well end up running backwards and hold everyone else back.
One of the greatest pieces of advice I have gotten from a senior engineer, was what he did when he joined a new team or company. For the first few months he would do exactly and exclusively what he was told. That way he would get the positive feedback of a job well done, and in that discover what the values and the direction of the company was. Not because he couldn't be self-directed. But because he would need time to know which direction everyone wanted to go in. Hence, why an onboarding that is full of external validation is so crucial.
Ultimately, like anything in life, nothing is good in the extreme. If everything you care about is external validation to the detriment of your own health and life enjoyment, it's not good. But trying to build an impenetrable wall from the validation of others is a fallacy in itself too. And external validation is a powerful thing, why not use it wisely. There's a reason people get Personal Trainers. Yes, I go to the gym because it makes me feel good. I love it there, and it's one of my happy places. But when my PT calls me a model student it makes me happy and just makes me want to work harder. Maybe the question we can ask is: If there was no external validation, would you still find parts of what you were doing enjoyable? It needn't be as enjoyable as with external validation, but would enjoyment still be there?
Interested in exploring more on how external validation influences your choices? Feel free to explore my coaching here and book a free intro call to discuss how I can help you.
0 If you were to change yourself for every potential romantic partner, you'd never stop changing. People are into such different body types alone, by the time you'd change it that person would be gone.
1 Which when you think about it is impossible. People are attracted to such a wide variety of people and bodies, trying to match the ideal body type of whomever is your crush at the moment has more chances of that crush disappearing by the time your body changes. And then you need to start from 0 to a different body type. Assuming you knew exactly what they wanted in the first place.
2 Why, hello there! You think I am writing this post just because? Then I should introduce myself. Hi, I am Maria, and I am a hyper-independent woman, and I fell for the no-external validation propaganda.
3 At least before I decided to teach it to only show me thirst traps (a.k.a. gym content), their romantic and emotional equivalent, and cats.
4 I, for one, will never have those wide shoulders that seem to be my preference.
5 I should know, I stayed for 6 years, when I could have left in month 2 if I hadn't fallen for this discourse. How silly of me...