Talking to people about my "sudden"0 decision to move to South Korea I am met with a variety of reactions, from "isn't that irresponsible" to "wow, you're being incredibly brave". Most leaning towards the latter, especially from the people who know me well. It is often said with a degree of admiration that makes me feel uncomfortable, because I personally do not feel brave. To assume it is brave, is to assume change is scary, but to me, it has rarely been.
The other day I came across this video on Instagram which talked about choices versus decisions and how they can impact change. Basically the analogy she uses is: you choose to add sugar to your coffee, but you decide after tasting if you like it, and if you'll continue adding sugar. What I loved about this is that she described the process I have been approaching changes with (in my personal as well as professional life), but in a way that did not come with any of the stigma filled statements I was familiar with.
I personally think there are two main contributors to why decisions are hard, and they both stem from our desire (or even need) to make the right decision. That can be defined as right from both internal motivators' perspective and from an external influence's perspective. The tricky part is when those are divergent1, but I will not go into that here.
First is the most discussed. The more options we have the more overwhelmed we feel, and the harder it is to make a decision. Often people say that you then get stuck and make no decision. I would argue that the overwhelm does make a decision for us. It makes a decision to stay in the same state we are, and that can sometimes be an unhappy state. In this video, Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah talk about "Two, Not Three", though they do not elaborate on how to use this in decision-making. Basically, if we have only two options it is a lot easier to come to a decision. But, I hear you say, there are always so many options, then I would have to discard a lot of them. Yes, maybe. Sometimes it's a game of discarding (and only do it two at a time), but sometimes it's a game of finding the decision breakdown too.
I will give the example of my decision-making process for Seoul, which was actually a composite of decisions:
After this it was a matter of logistics. I kept backup options open in case I could not resolve the visa situation in time. But at that point I could go full steam ahead and act on my decision and enact change.
This is the more silent decision killer. We fear the information we don't have. They are split between known unknowns (where we can at least try to find out) and unknown unknowns, which work like a boogie man, scaring us away from making a decision in the first place because we don't even know how to prepare ourselves for them. I treat them both the same. In the same way we protect ourselves against Black Swans, I build resiliency in my plan for the decision to turn out to be a bad one. And a good one too.
Even if I know that something is unknown, it is not always feasible to find out in a reasonable time frame for the decision. We want to be prepared, but there are a lot of things we cannot find out until we try. So my approach has generally been making sure I have an exit plan. That may not sound like a decision, and in a way it isn't, but in other ways it is. It just has a level of commitment appropriate to the amount of information I have. When we first meet a person we get to know them (preferably quite well) before deciding to get married. Similarly, we keep our options open when we make decisions, avoiding irreversible decisions as much as possible. Yes, there will always be a cost, but the cost should match the level of commitment. Then we can comfortably say we made the best decision given the information at the time, even if it later turns out to be a bad one.
And in the end if we go back on that decision, it was because of new information that came to light, and it's better that we tried than not at all. In order to be able to do this we need to agree in advance to avoid falling into the sunk cost fallacy trap. That being said, it's called a trap precisely because it's very easy to fall victim to it(see Daniel Kahneman). So figure out what you need in order to get out.
However, often times, when we are honest with ourselves, we tend to make good decisions and then everything is worth it.
Growing up, and in some circles, I think that my approach to decision-making has been seen as noncommittal and flaky at times. When I would build a change, I would make it as much as possible in a way that I could go back on it. Yes, a lot of that came from the push safety mindset but also from my method of making decisions that just happened to fit. But it also led to me not spending as much time doing infinite research on the topic before trying things, mostly because whenever I spent a lot of time documenting things before I actually did them, the documentation was rarely accurate.
This leads to some awkward questions at times. For example, when asked how long do I plan to be in Seoul, my answer is an honest "I don't know" or a somewhat dishonest but technically true "1 year"2. The honest answer, my go-to, does not sound very good. Now, imagine that in a professional setting.
It's not that I am not committed to this move (or any other decision), but I am committed to this move based on the information I have this far about living in Seoul, based on the information I have on how easy it is to make friends here, or work from here. While some see my approach as noncommittal, I view it as adaptive. By keeping options open, I reduce unnecessary stress and allow myself to pivot if needed. This flexibility has served me well both personally and professionally. And right now it allows me to put my efforts into my decision without worry.
Decisions are hard. Change is hard. But we put a lot more pressure on ourselves than we have to at times, making it even harder. There are things we need to accept we can't know. Change comes at a cost sometimes, but so does progress. If we can figure out a way to make our commitment match our knowledge, we are in a much better state. Sometimes we may need a kick to fall out of the sunk cost fallacy trap, but we can get there, even if we need a little help. Though we know we can't predict the future, hindsight still makes us overly critical of past decisions. So make that decision with a little self compassion, and it will be much easier. I will leave with a quote:
"It's dark ahead, but it's brighter than what's hiding behind me" - Falling Up (English version), Stray Kids
Interested in learning more? Feel free to explore my coaching here and book a free intro call to discuss how I can help you with your decisions.
0 I came to Korea on holiday mid-May 2024, made the decision to return with the potential of permanency in early June, started learning Korean immediately, and made the decision to move when my lease expired in London around September. Now it's January and I am in Seoul.
1 They are very different more often than not.
2 As that is when I need to do stuff to extend my visa.